“The days are long, but the years are short” – Gretchen Rubin author of the Happiness Project
Time, there is no other sentiment that I find more true than this quote. We see it as we look back at our lives, periods of time that while we live through them seem to linger if we're lucky or we trudge on through them only waiting for the end to finally reveal itself.
My life moves by in periods of sadness or happiness, because I've lived through more things than anyone should have to. College graduation, the birth of my children, finishing my first book; or through a lengthy, difficult pregnancy, the death of a child, post partum depression, a children with issues not of the norm. They can be difficult pits of despair or the highs that give us a reason to keep trying.
It's like trying to hold water in our hands. We can't contain it or control it. And the older we get the faster is seems to move. And for me at this moment, after the good and the bad, it moves so quickly I wish I could stop the rotation of the earth so that I can take a breath. Breathe and feel instead of constantly fighting for something.
I work almost everyday to write my books. It's a long process, a difficult process for me. And as I realize that it's been five years since I wrote The Day of First Sun, I should be proud and happy. Instead, time chases me. I've come no farther than those first days, finding myself at the beginning, no closer to my goals. And time, it teases me, suffocates me and reminds me that I can't beat it, I can't win against it. Time will always keep marching.
And I will keep marching, stepping to the rhythm of time and become one with it, not rub against it. I still have my goals and I still shoot for that end, to support myself as a published author. The goal hasn't changed, it just feels more intense, more urgent.
Time will always move forward, but I won't let it beat me.
I regret one thing. That I didn't follow my dream in my thirties. Forget that I had children, watched a baby die, suffered from post-partum. Those things shouldn't have stopped me from practicing and to be perfectly honest, writing about those experiences probably would have done me some good.
But I didn't and it wasn't those things that prevented me from writing and creating. It comes down to one reason fear as a result of the lack of self-confidence and not believing that I could do what I put my mind to. As a result of my regret I have an unrealistic time line in my head. At almost forty-six, I feel like time is running out.
To continue with my journey, I got myself a job which hindered my ability to write, because of time. As my time feels like it slips away, I feel as though I'm defeated, as if I'm giving up on my dream. Whether that's realistic or not, it sits in the pit of my stomach and keeps me awake at night.
We're hardest on ourselves, we expect perfection and when we don't achieve it, it messes with our minds. It messes with mine as the clock ticks down another sliver of time.
As my emotional half struggles with age and time, my rational side of myself realizes that it all comes down to confidence and a belief in myself. When it wanes, I need to remember the people in my circle, those that believe in me and in my vision. Because if not for me, for them, I keep pressing forward because that's how you push through the lack of self-confidence, let someone else carry you. For me it's my editors. As a writer you have somewhat of an intimate relationship with your editors. They know your books as well as you do, they understand you as a writer because you write what you know, what you feel and they become intimate with your characters as they assist you in crafting your story. I put my complete faith and trust in their words, their thoughts and their support. Without them I may have quit a long time ago.
We're always hardest on ourselves, because we want and we work and we hope that it comes out well. I fight the slivers of time that make up my life not because I fear the future but because I fear the past and time that I didn't allow myself to explore who I was and what I wanted to be. They tick down and I feel that pressure to accomplish something and do it soon.
It all comes down to confidence, finding it and keeping and letting that lead you forward.Continue reading