Failure is, the lack of success or an unsuccessful person or event. So why am I writing about failure, in the middle of a pandemic.
Sometimes I wonder if my life would have felt successful to me if I hadn't tried to achieve my greatest dream, if I hadn't written that first book. Would I have not felt like a failure if I had a relatively successful career, one that I enjoyed. Would I have been happy.
When facing my fortieth birthday, it was hard to ignore the fact that I hadn't written any book at all. I had always talked about wanting to be a writer. I had always sought out jobs in which I would be writing something. It was what I did.
It was hard to feel successful when I knew there was something else I had wanted to do and hadn't made an attempt to achieve it.
I wrote the book. As a matter of fact, I wrote five of them. Does that make me feel like a success or like a failure? And that's the issue. The books linger out there, floating in the netherworld, unsold. I realize not everyone could or wants to write a book so there's that. But the dream was full of writing and making money at it.
And that's where the feelings of failure stem from.
Failure is the inability to achieve the dream, not for the lack of trying. I think it has a lot to do with luck, a lot to do with understanding; social media, marketing, and simply the knowledge of how to find the right audience.
I lack in all of these. And yet, I keep coming back for more.
It's not enough to just write the books. It was about making it my career and when I had to pull advertising and when I stopped writing blogs and posting on social media, it felt like I had given up. It felt like I failed.
It never feels more like that when you take another job, so totally different than anything you've ever done. It feels like you're giving in.
The anatomy of failure, as I see it, is a lack of self-esteem, a lack of confidence, the inability to believe in yourself when you know you're better than that. Or could be.
And yet, I keep coming back.
My truth is simple. I'm a writer. It's what I do better than most anything else. I have a creative mind. Numbers and customer service, and retail are foreign to me. They are hard jobs for me, and not where I want to spend my time. While there I just want to be back at home creating.
There are ways out of the roller coaster of failure. It's walking along a scary sidewalk, jumping into an unknown lake without thinking. It's making changes and promising yourself, that you will be a failure if you quit. Not quitting makes you successful.
It's my truth. I am a writer and I will change my genre, I will take classes to better learn the art of editing. I will make changes, I will move forward, even as the cloud of failure hangs over me and scares me.
Life is hard, but without passion for something, it can be one long, aimless walk to nowhere.
I want to go somewhere.