Life, my life has been a roller coaster, of highs and lows, some so low, I thought that there would never, ever be another problem to contend with for the rest of my life. I've struggled to get pregnant, I've gotten pregnant easily. I had a difficult pregnancy, I've had an easy one. I carried twins, I've carried a single baby. I've given birth to three children, one born with a genetic disability that took her life at 11 months old; I have a child with such severe anxiety, that it has been a struggle for her and the family to live something normal, and now I deal with a transgender child.
As soon as I think I'm coming to the end of the roller coaster, just as it's ready to pull into the station, I instead, and catapulted back to the first loop d'loop to start the journey again.
I could have become an alcoholic, or a drug addict or harmed myself, but I didn't. I thought for a while I was handling the lows, coming through them and surviving. What I was doing was merely surviving, allowing myself to merely be a victim of my circumstances. And yes, in that I felt sorry for myself. Sometimes it's hard not to do that. After all that I've seen, all that I've lived through, after life battering me, throwing me from one situation to another, I realized, it's okay to feel this way. Sometimes you have to let it go and simply feel for the loss of what you thought life would be. But what's not okay, is wallowing for too long in the low.
I've learned a lot about myself in the 19 years of parenting. It's okay to not be perfect. And it's okay to put yourself first. I've stood at the edge of the Abyss with the universe pushing me, pressing me against the edge, laughing as I slip on the weakened earth beneath my feet. And as it pushing me toward the deep end, the my bottom, I've learned one last thing about myself. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. And I shouted at the universe “NO! You can't have me!”
Writing is what saved me from losing my mind, from letting the weight of the problems overwhelm me and victimize me. Twice this week I've heard myself saying or thinking, “We write our own story. ” Literally and figuratively that is. Granted life has a funny way of shoving us down certain paths, but what we do with these changes, is up to us. We write our own story.
I write. It is my priority. It is my love and it is my passion. Someday I hope to do this as my living, not my “hobby” as I learn how to find a fan base big enough to allow me to live my dream. And what I've learned about that is, “You must never give up.” It's that drive, that desire that has kept me grounded, that has made me a better mom, a better person. It builds my confidence, it makes me whole. It is what keeps me from falling off the roller coaster when it whips me around.
This is my life for better or for worse. And I've made my choice on how I write it. The glass will always be half full as long as you have the confidence in yourself to make it so.
See the glass as half full and find me at the following book fairs, Summer, 2017.